


I Will Survive Hell, I Have Before

by stitchez



Category: One Piece
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Emetophilia, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Strawhats mentioned, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, mentions of vomitting does not actually occur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4412867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stitchez/pseuds/stitchez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a drawing nyxalecto did on tumblr of trans!Sanji and their analysis of Sanji's reaction to Momoiro Island, it's inhabitants and Ivanokv's challenge. Basically sort of rewriting that reaction, a really introspective kind of fic I guess? idk how to describe it I'm sorry. Basically a fic from Sanji's view, on how it would be if Sanji was a transman being pushed onto this island where people are trying to put him in a dress and 'strip his manliness from him' which, as a transman, would really mess him up mentally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Survive Hell, I Have Before

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for gender/body dysphoria being triggered, brief mentions of past misgendering, vomiting mentioned but the action itself not done, smoking because it's Sanji, also UNSAFE BINDING PRACTICES please do not smoke or go to high altitudes or fight/workout extensively in a binder that is very bad for you and Sanji is an idiot who would do it anyway even with Chopper telling him not to. As a dude who has to bind around family that frequently smokes I can tell you it'd not fun and makes it very hard to breath.
> 
> The drawing that inspired me to wrote! http://nyxalecto.tumblr.com/post/124861802825/lays-down-i-care-a-lot-about-my-trans-sanji

He doesn't have claustrophobia – a chef is always surrounded by people and things bustling tight spaces. No he does not have claustrophobia.

 

But... But this is probably what it feels like. This feels exactly how Usopp describes his fear of tight spaces, of being totally surrounded and pressed in.

 

He feels helpless. He _is_ helpless if the fight with Kuma had anything to say about him.

 

He can't breath, can't think, his mouth is full of cotton and he can feel just how tense every fiber of his being is. The food he just ate is churning and twisting in his gut, attempting to make it's way back up. He would never let that happen but it's struggle to keep it down, just as bad as wen he had nightmares of that time. Sanji's head is just static and Ivankov's words, distorted and jumbled, repeating again and again and again and again.

 

“ _The dress on you”_

“ _dress”_

“ _on you”_

“ _Can you still retain your manliness?”_

 

Sanji thought Skypiea was bad, the thin air in addition to his smoking and binder; choking, choking, choking. He could never catch a good breath up there.

 

This is worse though, this is his past, his fears, coming back to haunt him.

 

These people don't know though, they can't know. How could they?! No one knows besides some of the staff at the Baratie. Not even his whole crew knows. Zoro knows only because you can't hide things from the person you fight with the most, constantly pressed together in battle, and so does Chopper but he's the crew's doctor he _has_ to know. If anyone else does (Robin, smart and beautiful and terrifying Robin knows everything after all) they don't treat him any different, they haven't breathed a word.

 

Sanji feels like he's going to throw up. It's the beginning of the Baratie all over again. New chefs, new waitstaff, new busboys. Laughing at him, teasing him for 'dressing like a boy'. The dysphoric feeling of getting hit on by rude customers ( _What's a pretty girl like you doing here? Want a real man?_ ) when he didn't quite pass yet, hands grabbing for his ass and catcalls when his chest began to grow. All the harassment before Zeff could get him the help he wanted.

 

(He got his first binder for his 14th birthday from the old man. He thought Zeff didn't understand. They never talk about it after but Sanji cried worse than he had when he finally left to join Luffy. When they became famous enough they were able to get him hormones and then he didn't have to worry about much of anything else. He was content. Though hiding his tiny vials and needles from everyone else in one room certainly had been hard.)

 

He takes in a shaky breath, when had his dropped his cigarette? That's right they were eating he didn't have one lit, and pats down his coat trying to ignore the prickling in the corners of his eyes and finds his cigarettes again. He needs them, needs them to distract and to try and calm the shaking in his hands.

 

He has to do this. For Luffy, for Zoro, for Usopp, for Nami, Chopper, Franky, Robin, Brook he has to do this for them. Defeating the 99 instructors of newkama kenpo means he'll get amazing recipes, things he can use to feed his crew, help them be strong so they can all achieve their dreams. He can survive two years, he's survived longer than that. Two years of running and fighting in Hell...

 

“I get the feeling,” the cook rasps out, finally pulling out a carton and a book of matches, “ Once I've won this battle, I'll be many times stronger than I am now...” It takes a few tries to get a match to strike, his hands are just too fucking shaky, but he lights up eventually, inhaling deeply to push the nausea down and stifle it with smoke. A few more puffs and he opens his eyes and faces Ivankov with a challenging glare.

 

“I accept your challenge!”

 

_'I'll survive this Hell...'_

_'I have to.'_


End file.
